The Facebook Paradox

Hi, my name is Carrie, and I'm addicted to Facebook.

          Hi Carrie.

I've been Facebooking since 2009, I think.  It's really accelerated in the last 2 years or so.  At first it was just every once in a while, you know, if my friends were doing it.  Then my marriage got really rough, I turned to Facebook as an outlet, for relief.  Back then it was pure, you know, clean posts, just words and stuff.  Now all of a sudden it's cut and diluted and mixed with pictures and YouTube clips; and all these memes.  Fuckin' A, the memes are endless.  I just wish sometimes, you know, I just wish I had never even clicked in that What's On Your Mind box.  But, I mean, I'm hooked, you know.  I'm hooked.  And I'm not the only one.

As I'm writing this hullabaloo I have 472 friends on Facebook.  472.  In real life I think I have maybe 11, and that includes Jonas and our 2 kids.  I have literally ran into my FB friends in public and purposefully ignored them, as though I hadn't a clue who they were.  I've been approached in public by FB friends and didn't recognize them.  Not even a little.  This is the paradox we'll examine.  Sidebar: A paradox is a statement or proposition that, despite sound (or apparently sound) reasoning from acceptable premises, leads to a conclusion that seems senseless, logically unacceptable, or self-contradictory.  Also known as: shit that don't make sense.

There are 4 types of FB friends:

1. People you genuinely want to connect with.  These are your homies, your work peeps, your long-distance-but-close-to-the-heart-relatives, your boo and his mom, maybe a cool teacher you had in school, the hot girl from work, and so on.  There is usually one or two you care so much about that clicking Like on their status update is almost reflexive because you're Team Whoever They Are.  They share a meme, you share that meme.  They type Amen on some fake ass oh-poor-guy story, you type Hallelujah and misspell that shit without a second thought.  Because you're pretty much all about whatever they're all about.  For me, my sister Jessie fits this bill.  Til she gets all churchy then I'm out.  Which brings us to number
2. People you want to debate.  Don't even act like there's not at LEAST one person on your newsfeed that makes your heart flutter with that amazing fight or flight reflex every time they decide to jump on whatever band wagon pisses you off.  I have about 40.  I'm probably that person to about 70 of my FB friends, and I'm cool with that.  Somewhere on your friends list is an asshole who's posts tic you off just enough to get you to either respond full throttle, or post some passive aggressive status that goes something like this: "Think itz time ta clean up my frend list cuz SOME PPL don't no how ta mind they DAM busness fa real.  Worry bout yo shit ima worry bout MY shit ok? fa real cuz these bitches wanna ack like they no me n they betta then me BITCH YOU WILL NOT MAKE THA CUT"  I made myself giggle.  You may have an articulate opponent.  They fall into a subcategory of #2: The educator.  You write a post, or comment on their post, about politics, religion, justice and it seems for a while that they aren't going to respond. Until you get a seven paragraph report on the subject complete with links to reputable articles and news affiliates.  I love that shit.  That shit is my crack!  Like, legit.  Anywho, these FB friends will more than likely remain your FB friends because somewhere deep inside you is an angry little elf who wants to ruffle some feathers.  Then there's number
3. People you don't or won't unfriend because you don't want to be a dick.  This is a fascinating relationship (I have more than a few).  Sometimes it's accidental; like when you go on a few dates with a guy, and his sister requests you so you accept but then you find out he has a deal-breaking obsession with Dukes of Hazard memorabilia so you stop taking his calls and he finally takes the hint and you forget she's even on your list until she posts something like "spent the afternoon with David, trying to cheer him up.  I know his Princess is out there somewhere, just got to get over the evil witches he keeps running into. #lovemybrother #fuckyouwhore"  Maybe that's just my problem.  Sometimes you just legitimately grow apart and you find yourself stuck in some strange balance between 'I have no valid reason to maintain contact' and 'I have no valid reason to terminate this connection.'  That's just awkward...I don't really have any advice for that one.  If you come up with something feel free to leave a comment, I'd like to know.  Then there's my personal favorite, number
4. Thirsty Bitches.  Yes, honey, we all know them, we all love them, some of you are them and I just want to say from the bottom of my heart, you're out of control, go sit the fuck down.  So a Thirsty Bitch is a person who is so starved for attention they will 'bait' their FB friends with various posts.  They really want somebody to either tell them they are attractive/sexy, feel sorry for them, think they're super amazing, defend them, etc.  Sidebar: if upon reading #4 you suddenly find yourself formulating a response, what you're actually doing is building a defense, because you're guilty.  True story.  These are the FB friends with whom you wouldn't spend any actual time, even if it was the good end of a plea bargain.  The FB friends who's posts immediately cause a compulsive eye roll.  The ones you judge relentlessly for a myriad of reasons.  Examples?  Sure!  a) being fat and posting stupid shit like #thinkingthin on Monday, then on Tuesday "dinner was on point today! Fried chicken, mashed potatoes, cole slaw, baked beans, corn bread, bacon wrapped shrimp fried in Crisco, mac n cheese, pizza rolls, ice cream cake with banana pudding and cinnamon rolls"   b) posting an obviously filtered Instagram selfie captioned "No Make-Up"   c) the top of her page says she's in a relationship but her timeline is mostly selfies with her office ass on the bathroom sink (where her kid brushes her teeth BTW) with one hand in her hair and her Duck Face on, because every guy likes a squishy-ass platypus.  Classy d) The lonely heart: "Why is it so hard to find a good man/woman??"  eHarmony is pennies a day people.  The point is, these FB friends usually provide some level of entertainment value, and almost always make me feel better about myself in comparison.  I know, I know, that's awful. I don't care.  Sometimes Jonas and I will sit and thumb through our newfeeds and laugh at the #4's together.  On several occasions he has walked clear across the house with the sole purpose of telling me about a #4 and he always starts the conversation with "Did you see what this bitch posted?!"  So thank you for providing quality time with my boyfriend.  It's really enriched our relationship.  Like, legit.

So, back to my original point: the Facebook Paradox of defining a 'friend' doesn't exist in any other application of the word.  A similar paradox may be found when attempting to identify a colleague; a "work friend".  In adulthood we adopt the term acquaintance in an effort to compartmentalize the relationships we have that are impersonal.  But to label a person as any kind of "friend" would suggest a personal relationship.  In the movie "You've Got Mail" Joe Fox (Tom Hanks) defends the corporate take-over of Kathleen Kelly's (Meg Ryan) book store with the old adage "It's not personal; it's business."  Her response? "Whatever else anything is, it ought to begin by being personal."  Classic.  So I started to think about the 472 "friends" I've chosen to connect with on Facebook.  How many have I chosen to connect with personally?  How many would I willingly donate a kidney to?  How many would I invite to my wedding?  A dinner party?  Coffee?  And the cold hard truth is; not many.  I have a slight twinge of guilt in my heart parts but the reality is that most people feel the same way.  

Why?  Because its just Facebook.  

I think I read somewhere once that it began as a platform for students of universities to share knowledge, ideas, research findings, etc.  Now it's where I go when I'm bored to see if my favorite Thirsty Bitches are still struggling for a drink.  They are, by the way, I just checked.  FB introduced to me the single greatest time wasting mechanism known to man; Candy Crush.  FB allows me to KIT with the people who told me to in my year book.  It's where I go to brag on my kids, share stories of subjects I'm passionate about, rally support of life changing decisions, catch up with people I love but can never seem to make time for.  I connected with each of these 472 people for a reason.  Either because I love them, I like them, I respect them or I really really really enjoy judging them.  But I don't feel bad about that; every time I update my status I'm subjecting myself to those same judgments from those same 472 "friends."

So to my 472; if you're a #1, I love you, and I'm so grateful that we have a way of staying connected on a daily basis.  If you're a #2, I have some thoughts on Clay Aiken's political campaign I'll be sharing later this week.  If you're a #3, I'm either going to start connecting with you, or set you free.  And if you're a #4, stay Thirsty, Bitches.